When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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