Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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