exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Randomize
