i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize