Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
