I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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