i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
you would pick up someone in the library
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
i think my cat just said my name.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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