Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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