What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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