Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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