Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
