Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
3 2 1 whiskey
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
