when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
