You can't special order awesome
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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