Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
