She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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