Where are you?
In a non slutty way
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
