I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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