your thong is hanging out like whoa
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
