bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize