I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
