I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
