You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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