my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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