I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
