I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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