Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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