Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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