I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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