who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
