break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
