I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
how does that bad decision feel?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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