There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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