you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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