i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
