the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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