Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
