so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I just googled if crying burns calories
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize