I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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