Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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