I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
