he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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