two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
