It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize