Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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