Buhtt sex?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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