I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
