We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
