no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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