So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
