my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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