I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
