I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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