they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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