woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
