I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
