I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
