i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize