you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my being single is dangerous.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
