A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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