I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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