We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
home. puking in laundry basket.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
