I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
