Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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