my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I will pee on everything he values.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
