cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize