i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
