Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
