You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
