Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
