she woke up with a sticky ear
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
