false alarm. still invincible.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize