the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
